When You Begin to Feel Better

When you finally do begin to feel better, I want you to pause. I want you to take a good, long, silent moment to remember.

Remember the things you want to remember. The beautiful care you felt each time your beloved friends drew you close in an embrace, the grief you now share forever bonding you to one another in a way more pure and sacred than anything joyous ever could. Take an indulgent stroll through that delicious memory, letting the echo of the sweetness of that peace and affection return to the back of your tongue. Relive each lingering hug and the gentle kisses that have collected on every inch of your cheeks and forehead like the outdated flyers fighting for space on the coffee shop bulletin board. Remember and trust that those tiny moments were of the utmost importance.

Remember the things you want to forget. The longing desire for just one more conversation, one more silly face made across a room over the heads of an oblivious crowd of strangers, one more moment of seeing him walk into the room with his warm care-free grin. Hold onto the receipt for each time your heart broke anew when you realized those things would never happen again. Get out that mental scrapbook and flip through the pages upon pages of days that it was hard to be kind to anyone, especially yourself. Remember these agonizing moments with a deep awareness that these were essential to making your heart more tender.

Remember, especially, the things that don’t seem to fit. The concern and grace from your coworkers who only know you by an email address. The incongruous gratitude that felt both out of place and just right for that final spot on your emotional charm bracelet. The times you found yourself forgiving him and also yourself for - you’re not sure what. The first time you told a friend, to whom you’d never before spoken the words aloud, that you love them. And the swelling up of your heart and welling up of your eyes upon hearing those words spoken back. The blessedness of just how easy and natural those exchanges were. The passion-filled nights that just couldn’t overpower the yearning to go back to a time of innocence.

I want you to remember all of this, when you finally do begin to feel better, so that you may truly understand that time, alone, does not heal all wounds.