Smoke Break

Writer's Note: Although the action of the play you are about to read is surrounded by smoking culture, it is important to note that this is not a play about smoking. I hope that it becomes readily clear that this is a play about the intensely human interactions we can have in the short amount of time it takes to smoke a cigarette. What relationships are formed or friendships ended in less than five minutes? What secrets and deeply buried fears come to light under the protective cover of a dark alley? What shared experiences prove to be universally relatable, and conversely how are everyday interactions experienced differently from one person to the next? It is my hope that SMOKE BREAK will not portray "smokers" so much as it will portray a group of perfectly flawed individuals that encompass the beautiful chaos that is the human existence in our world today.

CHARACTERS

Casting directors should consider all genders for every role. All character’s pronouns may be changed and substituted as needed.

HEIDI HO/AARON - A drag queen in her/his late 20s. (Referred to in script as HEIDI when in drag and AARON when not)

LORETTA/JOHN - A drag queen in her/his early 30s. (Referred to in the script as

LORETTA when in drag and JOHN when not)

TRISTAN - A bartender

ALEX - A regular at the bar

RYAN - Alex’s boyfriend

BRIDGET - An introvert fairly new to the scene

CLAIRE - A “drag hag” somewhere between the ages of 25-30

OTHERS - A variety of other characters can be filled with 3-4 other performers.

Setting: The alley outside a gay bar in Philadelphia.

ACT 1

Scene 1

[HEIDI, TRISTAN and ALEX are standing in an alley outside a bar, smoking.]

HEIDI: Anyone got a light?

TRISTAN: [Reaches in pocket and pulls out a lighter, hands it to HEIDI] Here, babe.

HEIDI: Thanks, love. [Lights cigarette and hands the lighter back to TRISTAN]

TRISTAN: No problem.

ALEX: You were fucking amazing tonight!

HEIDI: Oh, thank you, baby! I just like to have fun, you know.

TRISTAN: Yeah, I've heard that about you. [Laughs and eye rolls all around. HEIDI jokingly boos.] You guys hear about Evan and Rob?

HEIDI: Oh, not that bullshit again. Which one of them called it off this time?

TRISTAN: I don't know, but apparently it all blew up at Blush the other night. Evan bought some dude a drink and Rob totally lost his shit and started throwing punches. I don't know why the hell they keep getting back together.

HEIDI: They're too stupid to stay broken up.

ALEX: I think they just like the attention, to be honest. They're the absolute worst kind of couple.

HEIDI: I know. Jason and I used to be that kind of a couple. That's why I don't talk to him, though. I learned my damn lesson. They just need to grow the fuck up. I love them both, but they’re exhausting.

ALEX: Yeah. I give it a month before they're back together again, though.

TRISTAN: A month? That's generous. I'd say two weeks. I'm sure that within a week Rob will be in here crying to me at the bar about how he misses Evan again. It's like clockwork with those two.

HEIDI: Yeah....

TRISTAN: [Tosses his cigarette butt on the ground and stomps out the embers.] Welp. Back to work. You coming back in, baby?

HEIDI: Yeah, I'll be in soon!

[BRIDGET scurries past the group and into the bar, almost unnoticed.]

ALEX: [Tosses cigarette to the ground.] See you in there.

HEIDI: Definitely! [TRISTAN and ALEX exit to the bar.]

[HEIDI leans against the wall and silently smokes the cigarette for a few moments.]

CATCALLER: [Crosses onto stage.] Hey baby, how you doing tonight? You wanna go somewhere?

HEIDI: Fuck off!

CATCALLER: Fucking faggot! [Continues walking down the street.]

[HEIDI watches him, sighs and rolls her eyes when he's out of sight, puts her cigarette out and goes back into the bar.]

Scene 2

[Two girls in their mid-20s are decked out for a bachelorette party. They're both a little tipsy, but one is clearly more drunk than the other. TRISTAN stands by observing their conversation.]

JESSICA: Like, for real though, I'm never going to find anyone good. I may as well just get a cat and become a lesbian or something.

RACHEL: Oh, please! You'll find the perfect guy. You're smart. You're funny…. You're super cute…. You have a good job….

JESSICA: Yeah, I'll probably end up being the meal ticket for some pathetic dead-beat.

RACHEL: That's not what I meant!

JESSICA: I wonder what Paul's up to tonight. I should call him. [Takes phone from pocket.]

RACHEL: [Takes phone from JESSICA and puts it in her own pocket.] No. You really shouldn't.

TRISTAN: She's right. You shouldn't.

RACHEL: Thank you! See!? And he's a bartender, so he probably sees people call shitty exes all the fucking time. Right?!?

TRISTAN: Oh. Um, yeah. Call them. Buy them drinks. Blow them. Regret it in the morning. It's the same every time.

LORETTA: [Enters from bar] Tristan, baby, you got a lighter? Mama needs a fucking cigarette right now. Good lord, it feels amazing out here! [Takes lighter from TRISTAN and lights cigarette.]

JESSICA: [Walking up to LORETTA] Oh my god, you're so fucking gorgeous! I wish I could be that pretty. Why can't I look like that? Rach, why can't I look like this?!

LORETTA: Honey, if you put on seven pounds of make-up, a corset, eight pairs of panty-hose and a couch cushion I'm sure you'll look just as glamorous as all of this! [Strikes a pose]

JESSICA: No, you're way prettier than I'll ever be. God, it's not fair! You're not even a girl and you make a better woman than me!

LORETTA: Well, you won't hear any arguments from me, Sunshine!

RACHEL: [Tossing the cigarette butt aside] Come on, Jess. We'd better go inside before they think we got mugged or raped in the alley or something. [Guides Jessica back into the bar.]

LORETTA: As if anyone would want to touch them around here. God. I fucking hate bachelorette parties. We have one space to call our fucking own. Shit!

TRISTAN: I know, right? They were bitching about being single and I wanted to be like "There are plenty of bars around here that have men who like pussy in them. Maybe you wanna give one of those a shot instead!" But they're tipping well, so I ain't too mad.

LORETTA: Well at least they're tipping someone! I don't think a single queen has gotten one damn dollar out of their whole group all night. Bitches. Don't they know I got bills to pay?! I swear, if my phone gets shut off someone's getting cut.

[JESSICA and RACHEL come back out of the bar with their coats/bags.]

RACHEL: Let's go to the diner. You need to get some food in you or you're never making it to work on time tomorrow.

JESSICA: No, I'm fiiiiiine!

[RACHEL half waves at the others as they walk by.]

LORETTA: Bye ladies!

TRISTAN: Get home safely!

JESSICA: Byeeee! See…. Why can't straight guys be like that?!

RACHEL: I don't know. Oh, our Uber's almost here! What's a Prius look like, again?

[The girls exit.]

LORETTA: Alright, I better get back in there.

TRISTAN: Yep. Right behind you.

[They exit to the bar.]

---

Scene 7

[LORETTA and CLAIRE are outside smoking.]

LORETTA: I just.... It's just crazy.

CLAIRE: I know. I can't even imagine how Alex is handling it.

LORETTA: I haven't seen him. Heidi might have heard from him, but I haven't had a chance to ask her.

CLAIRE: To have someone taken from you that suddenly and unexpectedly. And young.

LORETTA: Yeah. It's really.... I can't even fathom what I would do if something ever happened to David, you know? It puts a lot of things in perspective and makes you really think, ya know?

CLAIRE: Yeah.

[HEIDI enters from the bar and lights herself a cigarette. The three greet each other briefly but then smoke in silence for a few moments.]

LORETTA: Any word on how Alex is doing?

HEIDI: I haven't been able to get ahold of him.

LORETTA: Yeah, I kind of figured he'd be off the grid for a while.

HEIDI: I would be.

LORETTA: Yeah.

CLAIRE: Same.

HEIDI: I spoke with him briefly that night when he was on his way to the hospital. I asked if he wanted me to come along, but he just kept saying that "it wasn't right," and "it was all his fault," because if they hadn't have fought Ryan wouldn't have tried to drive home.

CLAIRE: Well fuck. That's a whole hell of a lot to put on your own damn shoulders.

HEIDI: That's what I tried to tell him. But he was a little preoccupied to really hear me, I think.

LORETTA: Yeah.

[None of them really know what to say, so they all smoke silently.]

CLAIRE: Any word on when the funeral will be?

HEIDI: I don't know. I don't even know whether the funeral will be around here or not. I didn't really know Ryan that well, but I know he didn't grow up around here. His family might have him taken back to his hometown to be buried. I can't imagine he had a will of any kind, and his parents would probably be the next-of-kin.

LORETTA: Well, we should at least make sure there's some sort of memorial service or something. You know, so people can get closure and stuff. Maybe send him off with a show. I bet he'd like that.

HEIDI: Yeah. I can't imagine there wouldn't be something like that. He had enough friends and ties to the community.

CLAIRE: Hopefully. God, it's just so - so....

HEIDI: I know.

LORETTA: Sometimes it just makes no sense. The world works in fucked up ways, I guess.

[LORETTA and CLAIRE have finished their cigarettes.]

LORETTA: Want us to wait with you?

HEIDI: Nah, you guys go ahead in. It's too cold to be standing around freezing for no reason. I'll see you back in there.

LORETTA: Okay.

[LORETTA and CLAIRE exit to the bar.]

[HEIDI takes a few puffs of her cigarette. She pulls her phone out of her coat pocket, scrolls through her contacts, and dials the number she wants.]

HEIDI: [Into the phone.] Hey babe, it's Aaron. Just wanted to give you a call and see how you were holding up. We're all thinking about you, and we're here if you need anything. We missed you tonight, but we know you need some time alone to process. Just remember how much we love you and that we're all here for you, okay? Give me a call back if you want to, but I understand if you just want to be alone. Love you, babe. Talk to you soon. And again, let me know if you need anything at all. Bye, babe. [Beat.] Love you. [Beat.] Miss you. Take care of yourself.

[She hangs up and puts the phone back in her pocket. She takes a few last puffs of the cigarette and tosses the butt to the ground.]

---

Scene 9

[BRIDGET is standing outside smoking. She's much more comfortable with smoking now. HEIDI enters from the bar.]

HEIDI: Hey gorgeous!

BRIDGET: Hey love!

HEIDI: [Lighting a cigarette.] I really should quit....

BRIDGET: Yeah.... Hey, happy birthday, by the way! I had no idea!

HEIDI: Oh, thank you, honey!

BRIDGET: Doing anything fun?

HEIDI: Working. I've got six shows this week.

BRIDGET: Ew. But I guess that'll be fun.

HEIDI: Yeah, it will....

BRIDGET: You don't sound too sure.

HEIDI: No, it's just that I know what all the shows will turn into. It's going to turn into me being surrounded by tons of people I hardly know who are all "Yasss! Happy birthday, bitch!" Half of them will follow me around like I'm some kind of celebrity. Sometimes I just wanna spend a night out as Aaron and not have to worry about being Heidi for everyone to fawn over. Aaron needs some love too, ya know?

BRIDGET: Of course, darling. It's got to be really hard on y'all having people pretend to be your friend.

HEIDI: Yeah. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish actual friends from the fan-gays.

[A FAN-GAY and a straight GIRL enter from the bar and light up cigarettes. When they see HEIDI.]

FAN-GAY: Oh my god, happy birthday boo!!

HEIDI: Thanks, babe! It's so great to see you again!

GIRL: That second number was so sickening, girl!

HEIDI: Thanks, honey! I had fun with it!

FAN-GAY: Are you gonna be at Blush tomorrow?

HEIDI: Bitch, you should know better than to ask that - of course I am!

FAN-GAY: Yaassss!

HEIDI: Yassss.

FAN-GAY: We'll see you there! Bye love! [Air-kisses her cheek.]

[FAN-GAY and the GIRL link arms and exit down the street.]

HEIDI: See? I have no fucking clue what that kid's name is, but as far as he's concerned, we're best fucking friends.

BRIDGET: Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm sorry, dear.

HEIDI: Eh, it's alright. For every one of them there's one of you my other friends that I actually want to see.

BRIDGET: Well, hopefully we'll balance out the crazy for you this week. I'll try to come out if I can.

HEIDI: Please do! I always love seeing you, baby doll.

BRIDGET: Even though I hide?

HEIDI: Yes. Even though you hide. But you've been hiding less!

BRIDGET: Yeah.

HEIDI: [Flicking her cigarette to the ground.] Well... Shall we? [Offers her arm to BRIDGET.]

BRIDGET: [Smiling and taking her arm.] We shall!

[They exit to the bar.]

---

ACT 2

Scene 5

[ALEX and a HOOKUP are outside making out. HEIDI and LORETTA enter from the bar and light cigarettes. After a few moments.]

LORETTA: [To the guys] Jeez, don't you two ever come up for air?! You're gonna fucking suffocate if you keep going like that. [ALEX gives LORETTA the middle finger.]

HEIDI: Oh, leave them alone.

[The guys break apart but the HOOKUP keeps his arms around ALEX's waist.]

ALEX: Ignore them.

HOOKUP: How about we go somewhere…. quieter?

ALEX: We talked about this.

HOOKUP: You sure? I'll make it worth your while. [HOOKUP starts to mess with ALEX's belt.]

ALEX: [Pulling away from the HOOKUP] Yeah. Ya know, I've got work early tomorrow.

HOOKUP: Okay. Well, can I at least buy you another drink?

ALEX: Sure.

HOOKUP: Alright, come on. [Grabs ALEX's hand and starts heading toward the bar.]

ALEX: [Pulling his hand away from the HOOKUP] I'll see you in there in a minute. I'm gonna grab a cigarette first. [Takes a cigarette out and lights it.]

HOOKUP: Ugh. Smoking is so disgusting.

ALEX: Well, you don't have to stick around if you don't want to, then.

HOOKUP: No, it's fine. I'll see you up there. [Exits to the bar.]

LORETTA: He seemed... pleasant. Who was he?

ALEX: No clue. Found him on Grindr.

HEIDI: So, you're dating again? Good for you.

ALEX: I wouldn't call it dating.

LORETTA: Neither would I.

HEIDI: But still. It's been.... awhile.

ALEX: Yeah.

LORETTA: You can do better.

[HEIDI throws her a look.]

LORETTA: What?! He can! He deserves better, too. To each their own, but I'm just saying. Raise your standards, kid.

ALEX: Uhh.... Thank you?

LORETTA: You. Are. Welcome. But, hey, the guy's buying you drinks, so at least there's that. I'd take advantage of that if I could.

ALEX: Tell you what, you can take the drink from him for me.

LORETTA: You don't want it?

ALEX: Nah. He started getting clingy.

LORETTA: Yeah, we saw....

ALEX: Shut up. You know what I mean.

HEIDI: Okay. So, what? You're just going to leave?

ALEX: Yeah. Think he'll be mad?

HEIDI: I mean, I think he half expects it at this point.

LORETTA: I think he more than half expects it.

ALEX: Yeah. I feel bad. He's nice enough. I just... can't.

HEIDI: I know, love. But, hey, good for you for... you know... getting out there again.

LORETTA: Or getting in there...

[HEIDI shoots her a look.]

ALEX: Okay, I'm gonna make my getaway before he comes back down.

HEIDI: Alright, baby. Good to see you. Be safe.

ALEX: Will do. You too.

[ALEX exits down the street.]

HEIDI: You should back off him about the guys.

LORETTA: Oh, I was just picking on him. He knows I'm not serious.

HEIDI: Even so.

LORETTA: What? We're supposed to walk on eggshells around him because of what happened? It's been almost eight months.

HEIDI: I know. But he hasn't shown any interest in anyone since then.

LORETTA: Well, just because it's been awhile doesn't give him an excuse to be so sloppy. Picking up guys on Grindr whose names he doesn't even know and putting on a spectacle out here for everyone to see. Besides, after what happened to that couple in May.

HEIDI: Yeah....

LORETTA: He knows I still love him. It's fine.

HEIDI: I still think you ought to back off.

[The HOOKUP comes out of the bar.]

HOOKUP: Did he fucking leave?!

LORETTA: I don't know. I think he said something about running down the street to the gas station for a lighter. He'll probably be back.

HOOKUP: He'd better be! Little faggot tease.

LORETTA: Oh, so now he's a 'little faggot tease' just because he didn't wanna suck your dick?

HOOKUP: You don't know anything about it.

LORETTA: I know enough to know that you need to shut your fucking mouth about my friends. Especially about my friends you're trying to fuck.

HOOKUP: Well, your "friend" is a whiney little bitch, you know that? If I had to hear one more time about how he "wasn't ready for anything serious" because of his fucking dead boyfriend.... It's fucking Grindr. Nobody there is looking for anything serious. Whatever. He'd probably have given me AIDS anyway.

LORETTA: You need to leave.

HOOKUP: Oh, what are you gonna do about it?

LORETTA: Now.

HEIDI: [Stepping up between them.] Look, if I were you I'd do what she says.

HOOKUP: [Stares them down for a moment.] Fine. [To LORETTA] If I were you I wouldn't let me catch you out here alone. [Turns and exits down the street.]

LORETTA: [Calling after him] Right back at ya, fucking dick-bag!

[Beat.]

HEIDI: You okay?

LORETTA: I'm fine.

HEIDI: You sure?

LORETTA: I said I'm fucking fine. [Puts her cigarette out and exits to the bar.]

HEIDI: [After a long drag off her cigarette and a long exhale.] Jesus.

[HEIDI finishes up her cigarette, puts it out, and exits to the bar.]

---

Scene 7

[LORETTA exits from the bar in a huff and lights a cigarette. HEIDI follows shortly after.]

HEIDI: I'm fucking talking to you, bitch!

LORETTA: Well, I'm done talking to you! Go the fuck back inside or walk away. I don't want to fucking see your face right now.

HEIDI: What the hell is wrong with you?!

[Beat. ALEX enters from the bar.]

HEIDI: Answer me. What the fuck is wrong with you lately?! You've been a total fucking cunt to everyone! Do you know how many people I've had come and asked me if you're okay, or what's going on with you, and shit like that?! And I don't fucking know what to tell them. So tell me. What the hell is wrong with you?

LORETTA: You know, why don't you and your little boy toy just run along and tell all your gossipy little friends they can just fuck off. I'm fucking fine and dandy, okay?!

HEIDI: First of all, you leave Alex out of this.

ALEX: Second of all, I'm not her boy toy. We're just friends.

LORETTA: Well you're closer than any "friends" I've ever had.

HEIDI: You know what? We are. We're close. And it's good for both of us. And maybe if you weren't such a cold hearted cunt all the time you'd be able to have a friendship like this with someone.

LORETTA: I have plenty of friends, thank you very much.

HEIDI: Yeah. You do. And you don't talk to any of them about shit. That's what we're trying to tell you.

LORETTA: Oh, so just because I'm not some open book with all my weepy bullshit problems out there for the world to see I'm suddenly a cold hearted cunt who doesn't deserve to have friends?

HEIDI: Oh, sure! Twist my words, why don't you? That's just great. You're a fucking pro at that aren't you.

LORETTA: Look, I don't need you or your pep talks or your little friends or your fake "support". Okay? I'm. Fine.

HEIDI: No. You're fucking not. Because nobody who gets the shit kicked out of them by their own father is going to be fine.

LORETTA: How dare you. You don't fucking know a goddamn thing about that. You have no fucking idea what - . No. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck this bar and fuck the rest of these assholes and fuck this city. I'm done. I'm so fucking done. Done. [LORETTA throws her cigarette at HEIDI's feet and starts to exit down the street.]

HEIDI: Where the fuck are you going? We've still got a fucking show to do!

LORETTA: [Turning back around] Yeah. Well fuck this show. And it's none of your fucking business where I'm going. I just need to be away from here. And away from you. Fuck you, Aaron. How fucking dare you. Fuck off. [Exits down the street.]

HEIDI: If she thinks I'm going to go running after her she has another fucking thing coming. I'm so fucking finished with all of her bullshit. I'm done trying to build her up. There's only so much I can do before I reach my own fucking breaking point and I'm done.

[Beat.]

ALEX: She'll be back.

HEIDI: I don't fucking care if she comes back.

ALEX: Yes you do.

HEIDI: No, I truly fucking don't.

ALEX: Yes. You do.

HEIDI: She just makes me crazy. Who the hell does she think she is?! Just because she's going through a hard time doesn't mean she gets to treat the rest of us like shit. And it's not like she's the only one who's ever had a hard time in life. Fuck. We've all been through it.

ALEX: Babe, you can't force your way of processing onto people. It doesn't work that way.

HEIDI: I know. But she's clearly not working through any of it.

ALEX: I disagree.

[Beat.]

HEIDI: What?

ALEX: I disagree.

HEIDI: Why?

ALEX: Look. I know you're just trying to help. I know you are. But you get a little -

HEIDI: A little what?

ALEX: Bossy.

HEIDI: I'm not fucking bossy. I'm just -

ALEX: Trying to help. I know. But - just hear me out. After Ryan's accident I really needed something. I needed support, but I didn't know how the fuck I needed that support. But I knew that it wasn't the way that people were trying to support me. And I knew that the help I needed wasn't the kind of help that people were trying to get me to take. I didn't know what I needed. But it wasn't that. But then when I told people -

HEIDI: Told me, you mean.

ALEX: Okay. Fine. Then when I told you. When I told you that the things you were trying to suggest weren't working or I knew they weren't what I needed. Well, you can get a little…. hostile. And I know it's just because you love your friends so much and you do anything to see us happy. But it's not always useful. And it can come across as really off-putting. Sometimes people just need permission to be sad and angry for a little while. And it makes us feel like we’re doing something wrong when we’re being judged for struggling.

[Beat.]

ALEX: Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.

[Beat.]

HEIDI: Well. I'm just on a fucking roll today aren't I? Good to know all my friends think I'm a controlling bitch.

ALEX: That's not what I said!

HEIDI: Whatever. I need to get back in there. The shit's gonna hit the fucking fan when I tell them Loretta's gone. This night's just getting better and better. Jesus I need a fucking drink. [HEIDI tosses her cigarette and exits to the bar.]

ALEX: Jesus fucking christ. [Takes out his phone, dials and puts it to his ear. Into the phone.] Hey, please listen to me…. No, she went back inside…. Look, she's just worried about you. We all are. And I know how she can be when she gets into her worrying state…. [Chuckles] Yeah, that's one way of putting it…. Look, please come back. Or tell me where you are so I can come meet you. I don't like the idea of you walking around alone with all the crazy shit that's been happening lately…. I swear to you, she's not with me. And even if she was I wouldn't bring her. I'd rather not see two of my best friends get arrested in full drag for beating each other up tonight. Besides, I don't have the time or money to be bailing your drunk asses out of jail…. [Laughs]…. What about your stuff? It's still upstairs….. Okay, good. Where are you? I'm going to come meet you…. Alright. I'm on my way…. No problem at all, love. See you soon. [Hangs up phone. ALEX takes a long drag off his cigarette and exits down the street.]

---

Scene 13

[HEIDI, ALEX, and CLAIRE are outside. ALEX and HEIDI are smoking.]

CLAIRE: How are you not freezing?

HEIDI: Girl, it feels fucking great out here! You try doing a dance routine in six pairs of tights and five pounds of hair!

CLAIRE: Yeah, but still!

HEIDI: Oh, hush. I'm fine.

ALEX: Do you think the others will be out soon?

HEIDI: Yeah, I think Tristan was in a bit of a hurry to get out of here.

CLAIRE: Yeah, this crowd was…. something.

HEIDI: It always is this time of the year. It's half back to school crowd so you get the baby gays who don't know how to behave, and it's half "summer's over, and I'm miserable" crowd, so they don't care how they behave.

ALEX: Yeah, people bother me when they're assholes. Like, you're a grown-ass man. Why are you shoving people to get to the bar? Wait your fucking turn!

HEIDI: Yeah, and then Tristan has to deal with them when they're actually at the bar and think that she should just magically make a drink appear in front of them immediately.

[LORETTA enters from the bar with a full face of make-up, bare legs and sandals, a knee-length over-coat, toting a suitcase and carrying a wig. She stops at the group.]

LORETTA: [To CLAIRE] Here, baby, can you hold this for a second?

[CLAIRE takes the wig. LORETTA lights a cigarette, returns the pack and lighter to her pocket, takes a long drag, and takes the wig back from CLAIRE with her free hand.]

LORETTA: That was some show tonight, wasn't it?

HEIDI: Girl….

LORETTA: Well, another gay another dollar, right sis?

HEIDI: You got that right.

LORETTA: At least they were a really good tipping crowd.

HEIDI: Yeah, that one dude just gave me a fifty!

LORETTA: You know he's gonna come out here expecting you to blow him.

HEIDI: Whatever. He was cute enough.

LORETTA: Wait. Did you see poor Bridget up there?

HEIDI: Oh talking to the bull dyke? Yeah.

LORETTA: Well, apparently she has her crosshairs set on Bridget. She kept buying Bridget drinks all night, and when I was leaving it looked like she had her cornered.

ALEX: Wait, but that woman was, like, in her fifties.

[Group laughs.]

HEIDI: Should we go up and save her?

CLAIRE: Nah, she's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

BRIDGET: [Calling back in the bar] Yeah, definitely! I'll see you around!

[Joining the group.]

BRIDGET: Good fucking lord, learn to take a goddamn hint, bitch! Who has a cigarette?

[HEIDI hands her a cigarette and lighter. BRIDGET lights her cigarette.]

LORETTA: We're glad to see you still alive and standing. We were afraid she'd eat you in one bite.

BRIDGET: Well, if she had her way she would have. God. This is why I don't hang out with other lesbians. They either assume I'm straight or they can't take a fucking hint.

[Takes a long drag off her cigarette. Notices LORETTA's outfit.]

BRIDGET: [To LORETTA] Well this is…. something.

[Group laughs. Laughter can and should continue at appropriate times over the rest of the scene.]

LORETTA: Oh hush. I couldn't find my jeans and I live three blocks away. Whatever.

BRIDGET: Wait. So you're just not wearing pants under there? I thought you just still had on your drag.

LORETTA: God no! That shit hurts like hell. She had to get that nonsense OFF!

ALEX: Wait, so are you, like, free balling under there? Girl, your dick's gonna be a popsicle.

LORETTA: Well I have on underpants, you asshole. They're just…. [Turning around and adjusting himself] not made for men.

HEIDI: Wait. You're wearing your panties? Girl. You're more of a mess than I am right now and that's saying something.

LORETTA: First of all, that's debatable. Second of all -

[TRISTAN enters from the bar.]

LORETTA: SHE'S ALIVE!!!

[The group bursts into applause.]

CLAIRE: Well done surviving the hoards tonight, Miss Thing!

TRISTAN: Yeah, what the fuck kind of night was that?!

LORETTA: You’re the real star of the night.

BRIDGET: I don't know how you do it.

TRISTAN: Magic.

BRIDGET: I knew it, you're a fucking unicorn. I called it.

TRISTAN: Oh, by the way, that chick was asking about you when you left.

BRIDGET: God fucking dammit!

[The group breaks into smaller conversations. TRISTAN and BRIDGET step aside.]

TRISTAN: Hey, can I have a drag off that cigarette?

BRIDGET: Sure.

[BRIDGET hands her cigarette to TRISTAN]

LORETTA: [To HEIDI] Girl, you were a mess tonight! [Group laughs]

HEIDI: I know! Well, Helena brought me a pot brownie.

[TRISTAN hands the cigarette back to BRIDGET]

TRISTAN: Thanks, baby!

BRIDGET: Anytime, boo. You got much left to do up there?

TRISTAN: Not much.

BRIDGET: Want a ride home? I drove tonight. I don't mind sticking around.

TRISTAN: Oh my god that'd be amazing.

BRIDGET: Sure thing.

[LORETTA is imitating HEIDI's performance.]

LORETTA: Girl, what was that note you were trying to hit during your little impromptu karaoke performance with Mama?

ALEX: Yeah, I think you invented a new key.

HEIDI: Oh, whatever! We can’t all be Broadway wannabes, bitch!

LORETTA: [Handing CLAIRE her wig again.] Oh, bitch, you did not! [Belts out some impressive chorus and does a twirl or two in the process, causing her coat to ride up dangerously high.]

ALEX: Girl, your bits and pieces are gonna be showing if you keep that up.

LORETTA: Oh, let 'em!

[BRIDGET offers TRISTAN the cigarette again.]

TRISTAN: Oh, no thanks honey. I'm trying to quit.

BRIDGET: Really? Good for you.

TRISTAN: Yeah. [Beat. They continue to watch the shenanigans unfolding before them.] Look at it. It's like a big, crazy, family reunion.

BRIDGET: Yeah…. Our girls appear to have patched things up.

TRISTAN: Yeah. They don't stay mad at each other for long. They fight like sisters but they love like sisters, too.

BRIDGET: Yeah. That's good. [Laughing as a thought occurs to her] But if this is a real family reunion someone has to get too drunk and make a scene. Wonder who it'll be!

[HEIDI trips and falls. TRISTAN and BRIDGET crack up.]

TRISTAN: Well, I guess we have our answer!

HEIDI: Well are you assholes going to just laugh or help a bitch up?

[LORETTA helps her up. HEIDI laughs after she's upright.]

LORETTA: God, you're a mess. And I fucking love you for it!

HEIDI: Hey, I'm not the one out here dressed like a crossdressing flasher!

LORETTA: Yeah, yeah. Keep it up, bitch!

HEIDI: I would love to, but I have to work tomorrow morning. I'm gonna go grab my shit and head home.

LORETTA: Alright, baby. I'll see you tomorrow night, though, right?

HEIDI: Absolutely!

LORETTA: Okay. Be safe!

HEIDI: You too! [To ALEX and CLAIRE] I'll be right back down!

CLAIRE: No worries, babe!

[HEIDI exits to the bar.]

LORETTA: [Tosses her cigarette butt to the ground.] Well, kids, it's been real. You guys all gonna be okay getting home?

ALL: "Yeah, we're good." "We'll be fine." etc.

LORETTA: Alright, kids! Love you all, and I'll see you around. Kisses!

[LORETTA picks up her suitcase and wig and exits down the street.]

TRISTAN: Alright, I'd better go finish cleaning up. You coming back up?

BRIDGET: Yeah, I'll be up in a few.

TRISTAN: Alright. They'll probably lock up the second floor soon, but I'll let Mike know you're with me.

BRIDGET: Cool. See you in there.

TRISTAN: Bye loves.

CLAIRE: Bye love.

ALEX: See you tomorrow.

[TRISTAN blows kisses in their general direction and exits to the bar.]

ALEX: God, our friends are a fucking mess.

CLAIRE: [Laughing] We're all a fucking mess.

BRIDGET: I wouldn't have it any other way.

[HEIDI enters from the bar with a duffle bag.]

HEIDI: Alright, kids, you ready?

CLAIRE: Yep!

ALEX: Yes ma'am!

HEIDI: [To BRIDGET] You going to be okay, babe?

BRIDGET: Oh, I'll be fine! I'm going to wait inside for Tristan once I finish this cig.

HEIDI: Alright. Just be safe, dear. Love you!

BRIDGET: Love you more!

HEIDI: Not possible!

[HEIDI exits down the street, followed by ALEX and CLAIRE. BRIDGET leans against the wall and silently takes a puff of her cigarette. She exhales. She smiles and shakes her head slightly. She tosses the cigarette on the ground, stops it out with her foot, and exits to the bar.]